How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

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Relatable and authentic... [Faber’s and King’s] creative ideas will help parents feel they are not alone in dealing with little runaways, arguments over tooth brushing, tattling, and numerous child-rearing dilemmas.’”— Publishers Weekly Word substitutes: Suggests using “the problem is” instead of “but” after an empathy statement; use “as soon as you do this, we can do that” instead of “if you do this, then i’ll give you that” (18, 120-121). Even if different words are used, the meaning is the same. Using three words that basically mean the same thing as one is just more blah blah blah that the kids won’t listen to. Also, phrasing it like that (“you want the ice cream now. The problem is we have a rule about no ice cream before dinner”), it implies that the problem is the thing preventing the kid from getting what they want, not the child’s desires. But the truth is that the child’s desires are what are wrong. It’s okay to have desires, but it’s not okay to give in to those desires. It’s not good to teach kids that the rules are the problem; it might make kids want to change the rules or get rid of the parents or other authority figures who make the rules. Another bad example this book gives is about a kid who wants to eat more than 2-3 pieces of candy: “It would be nice to have a mother who wasn’t so fussy about food! One of those nice moms who gives you candy for lunch, and it’s all, ‘Oh dear, I must make sure my children are so healthy’” (380-381). This teaches a kid that even if an authority has a good reason for making the rules/laws, if the kid wants what he wants, he is the victim while the authority is to blame as being unfair and mean. The book says that when your kid complains about the food you give him, you should say “Sounds like you’re disappointed and in the mood for something else” (10). So kids should get to choose the meals everyday? Who’s the boss?

When other tactics have failed and you are angry at your kids, going for a run can help (361). You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first. Joana and Julie mention how punishment distracts your child from the important lessons he/she need to learn. It can cause your child to think selfishly when considering what he/she will have to give up. How you punish your child will ultimately teache him/her how to handle conflict in their personal lives. The authors provide methods in this chapter that will allow your child the opportunity to do better in the present. Ultimately this will inspire him/her to be better in the future. Their recommended methods are: How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen 4-week live online workshop, for parents of kids ages 2 to 7 (led by Julie King) Describe your child’s effort – Show him/her that you noticed how hard he/she is trying to complete a task, like tying his/her shoes or buttoning a shirt.Instead of saying, “you spilled the milk” you can say “I really don’t like it when milk is spelt”. Instead of being accusatory towards the other person with “You”, you’re saying “I” have a problem with that this technique. This technique is universally effective wherever people are involved. Try it with your kids.

Make sure you have a short explanation of what the problem is. The problem statement has to be short and touch on how that problem affects you as the parent. Simplicity is key at this stage. The classic business statement is: “I’m not sure we’re asking the right questions, solving the right problem.”

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Get the child on the same team. First, except the emotional joy of riding a tricycle in the living room. Second, can you define what the problem is which is that your little sister could get her fingers caught in the wheels. Thirdly, we need an idea to solve for the problem. When you get your teeth brushed, then we’ll begin the story.” “When your work is finished, then you can watch go outside and play.” “When,” which implies that you expect obedience, works better than “if,” which suggests that the child has a choice when you don’t mean to give him one. 10. Legs First, Mouth Second This book is not about training or teaching your children, rather simply how to motivate them. I think that should preface the book, however it does not. I fear that some people may use this as an end all be all for their parenting, and I think that would be a very incomplete view of parenting. Try not responding with words at all. Just let them talk their emotions out, and respond with little sounds: "Grr!" "Wow!" - I'm almost certain my own boss used this on me last year, it was super weird but it kindof worked.

Replace punishment with more peaceful solutions. The only consequences that you can really manage are logical ones which are subjective. Logic, math are human constructs. Punitive consequences aren’t viable in the working world because employees have choice. You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. “Get dressed so you can go outside and play.” Offer a reason for your request that is to the child’s advantage and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do. 7. Be Positive When You Talk to KidsGive kids information so they’ll know consequences, but do it in a kind, non-threatening manner (61). Getting a consequence and a punishment….the child is still getting pain in the hope of changing their behaviour. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.” Chapter Five and a Quarter: The Basics … You Can't Talk Your Way Out of These-Conditions under which the tools won't work 203