No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. What’s Wrong with Being A Nice Guy? Most nice girls believe that by repressing the darker side of their feminine energy they will win the approval of dudes. This seems logical considering the anti-female climate that has permeated our culture since always. Being unable to set healthy boundaries when it comes to your time, emotional availability, willingness to help, and other social implications, could lead to disastrous outcomes for both parties. On one hand, the other person will feel as if they can use you as their go-to problem solver without even asking themselves first if you’re alright with that.

The process of becoming an integrated male starts with a rather simple question: dear Mr. Nice Guy, how would you live your life if you cared not one bit about other people’s thoughts and feelings about you? This book will likely hold some deeply transformative insights for you if you said ‘Yes’ to three of any of the preceding statements. How No More Mr. Nice Guy Is Laid Out Nice Guys should stop seeking the approval of others and make their own needs a priority. They should be giving with no strings attached. They should develop integrity and be honest. They should stop trying to hide their flaws and just allow themselves to be human. They should express their feelings. When they screw up, they should not defend, explain, excuse and rationalize (DEER); they should just admit they screwed up. They should ask for help when they need help. They should stop expecting life to be smooth and free of conflict. You’ll see them in your relative who lets his wife run the show or in your buddy who’s always there for everyone though his life is in shambles.

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I do think that the book has been somewhat transformational for me - it didn't give me "a concrete thing", but it made me more cognizant about the moments where (i) I refrain from doing something because I'm afraid of making a mistake, (ii) There is something that I hate, but I commit to doing it just because I want to please some people, (iii) Overcommitting and under-delivering, (iv) Beating myself up for making a mistake etc. These ranged from disgusting to infuriating. I'm supposed to be sitting around reading about the sex lives of gay men and be rooting for their relationship? Hard pass. This guy gives at least two examples of men he convinced to get divorces including one who had just had an affair, and he acted like it was a real accomplishment for the man to get the courage to do so. Exhibit A on why one should mistrust family therapists. Nice Guys are everywhere. If you’re listening to/reading this, chances are that you think you’re one too. Nice Guys are dishonest. Hiding your mistakes, repressing your feelings and avoiding conflict by saying what people want to hear (and not what you want to say) makes you a dishonest person, doesn’t it?

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one’s self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.” Dr. Glover emphasizes that the process is not easy and takes time and commitment. He emphasizes that it is essential for men to find personal support in their journey by joining a support group, talking to a therapist, or connecting with other men who have gone through the process. The Nice Guy Syndrome typically begins in infancy and childhood when a young boy inaccurately internalizes emotional messages about himself and the world. It is fueled by toxic shame and anxiety. Rapid social change in the late 20th century and early 21st century has contributed to a worldwide explosion of men struggling to find happiness, love, and purpose. DEER is an acronym which stands for Defend, Explain, Excuse, Rationalize – four fear-based behaviors which feed the Mr. Nice Guy persona on a daily basis. Setting boundaries and telling people that you disagree with something doesn’t make you a jerk. It shows that you have respect for yourself, which will most likely make others respect you as well. Dr. Glover wants recovering nice guys to know how beneficial it is for their lives to stop being so nice to everyone and start pushing their opinions, doing what they want in their lives, and to not let people walk all over them. Doing this will help guys get to the next step in their lives. Who Could Benefit From Reading This Book?Co-creating dysfunctional relationships: Nice Guys have difficulty with intimacy, because they are attracted to people with problems who need fixing. They give in to their partners’ dysfunction by also being dysfunctional themselves. They become enmeshed in the relationship at the expense of doing the things that make them happy. Yes, you could show someone the door, but he's the one who has to walk through it; and he's unlikely to do so until it's his last option. So, this shall remain a book to be discovered, not recommended. Thankfully we do have this thing called the Internet to facilitate such happy eventualities. If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.