True Secrets of Lesbian Desire: Keeping Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships

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From the last years of Elizabeth I’s reign, through the Civil war of 1642, the interregnum, the second Civil war of 1648 to the restoration of the Stuart monarchy the seventeenth century was a particularly turbulent time. There were irreversible changes in government, agriculture, manufacture, learning and religion.[25] Traub describes: ‘a significant break in the representation of female homoeroticism [that] occurred over the course of the seventeenth century, a shift in the terms of female embodiment, which led to a “cultural perversion” of female-female desire.’[26] The shift that Traub describes provided ‘some of the primary materials out of which modern identity categories were fashioned.’[27] Traub’s claims in terms of the expression of female-female desire can be difficult to envision given that it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that women in the seventeenth century had no identity of their own. Seventeenth-century women were meant to be chaste, modest and submissive ‘subsumed in the persons of first their fathers and then their husbands.’[28] However, all through the century women could be found petitioning parliament, ‘participating in bread and grain riots and tax revolts, protesting against enclosure and taking an active part in London’s mob.’[29] Engeln-Maddox R, Miller SA, Doyle DM. Tests of objectification theory in gay, lesbian, and heterosexual community samples: mixed evidence for proposed pathways. Sex Roles. 2011;65(7–8):518–32. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-011-9958-8. Blair KL, Pukall CF. Can less be more? Comparing duration vs. frequency of sexual encounters in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. Can J Hum Sex. 2014;23(2):123–36. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.2393. Behn’s clever use of semantics suggests that she has the expectation that her readers will read her poems closely enough to decode them and understand their true meaning: A, Jurin T, Briken P. Is high sexual desire a facet of male hypersexuality? Results from an online study. J Sex Marital Ther. 2016;42(8):665–80. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2015.1113585.

Crépault C, Couture M. Men’s erotic fantasies. Arch Sex Behav. 1980;9:565–81. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01542159. With a growing wealth of options out there, there's something for every taste, and every kind of relationship style. From the high school-style squealing of Dear Simon, to the spicier adult themes in Blue is the Warmest Color and Portrait of a Lady on Fire and the sweet, elder gay love showcased in Beginners, these favorites really span the gamut. And that matters, because representation helps young, questioning or isolated LGBTQ+ people feel seen and supported, especially if they can't get that from their own families or community. It also continues to normalize gay, lesbian and queer love, in a time when LGBTQ+ rights are still threatened around the country and the world.There are many harmful myths surrounding vulva-to-vulva sex that are steeped in ignorance, homophobia and stereotypes that it is important to unlearn. Lau J, Kim J, Tsui H. Prevalence and sociocultural predictors of sexual dysfunction among Chinese men who have sex with men in Hong Kong. J Sex Med. 2008;5:2766–79. https://doi.org/10.1743/6109.2008.00892.x. Janssen E, McBride KR, Yarber W, Hill BJ, Butler SM. Factors that influence sexual arousal in men: a focus group study. Arch Sex Behav. 2008;37(2):252–65. Robinson JD, Parks CW. Lesbian and bisexual women’s sexual fantasies, psychological adjustment, and close relationship functioning. J Psychol Hum Sex. 2004;15(4):185–203. https://doi.org/10.1300/J056v15n04_03. Nordling N, Sandnabba NK, Santtila P, Alison L. Differences and similarities between gay and straight individuals involved in the sadomasochistic subculture. J Homosex. 2006;50(2–3):41–57. https://doi.org/10.1300/J082v50n02_03.

Parsons JT, Kelly BC, Bimbi DS, DiMaria L, Wainberg ML, Morgenstern J. Explanations for the origins of sexual compulsivity among gay and bisexual men. Arch Sex Behav. 2008;37(5):817–26. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9218-8.If you have masturbated and spent time exploring your own body, use the knowledge you have gained of what feels good to direct your partner. Be present with your partner and take your time.’ She adds, ‘Make sure you are clear on consent. And then explore and have fun!’ Communicating with your partner

Welling LL, Singh K, Puts DA, Jones BC, Burriss RP. Self-reported sexual desire in homosexual men and women predicts preferences for sexually dimorphic facial cues. Arch Sex Behav. 2013;42(5):785–91. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-012-0059-8. Davy was not the only seventeenth-century woman to admit love for another woman; in France authors such as Mme. De La Fayette and Mlle. De Scudéry have been depicted by historians as having female lovers.[83] Moreover, female to female desire in all-women communities appear in a plays by both James Shirley, The Bird in a Cage (1632 – 1633) and Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle’s The Convent of Pleasure 1668. In The Bird in a Cage an over-protective father is planning to marry his daughter to the Duke of Mantua. The father confines his daughter, princess Eugenia, and her ladies to a tower where the women decide to stage a play to pass the time. The play depicts Jupiter’s seduction of Danae and while playing the part of Jupiter, one of Eugenia’s ladies, Donella, admits to an erotic desire for Eugenia. Annoyed by the interruption of a bell, Donella speaks the lines ‘[i]f you had not wak’d as you did Madam, I should ha’ forgotten my selfe and play’d Jupiter indeed with you, my imaginations were strong upon me; and you lay so sweetly…..’[84] One day the Lord was pleased by a strange providence to cast me into the company of one that I never saw before, but of a sweet and free disposition…………. It pleased the Lord to carry our hearts much towards one another at that time……[82] Matthews AK, Tartaro J, Hughes TL. A comparative study of lesbian and heterosexual women in committed relationships. J Lesbian Stud. 2002;7(1):101–14. https://doi.org/10.1300/J155v07n01_07. Scott SB, Ritchie L, Knopp K, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ. Sexuality within female same-gender couples: definitions of sex, sexual frequency norms, and factors associated with sexual satisfaction. Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(3):681–92. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1077-3.Boysen GA, Vogel DL, Madon S, Wester SR. Mental health stereotypes about gay men. Sex Roles. 2006;54:69–82. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-006-8870-0. In Alexander Brome’s (1620 – 1666) poem A Wife the speaker doesn’t want a wife to live too long and in fact would rather not have a wife at all : Paine EA, Umberson D, Reczek C. Sex in midlife: women’s sexual experiences in lesbian and straight marriages. J Marriage Fam. 2019;81(1):7–23. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12508 This article shows important evidences on aging, sexuality and couple experiences in women.

William Wycherley (1641 – 1715) would clearly prefer a ‘one night stand’ to the commitment of marriage: At the beginning of the poem Behn uses the image of the hermaphrodite to combine the sexes, by the end of the poems she appears to dismantle Ovid’s mythical union: ‘While we the noblest passions do extend/The love to Hermes, Aphrodite the friend.’[179] By splitting Ovid’s Hermaphroditis into Hermes and Aphrodite Behn appears to encode the characters in this love poem as distinctly male and female. However, I suggest that Behn is actually teasing her audience and their preconceptions about gender. Here again we find Behn challenging her readers to read closely to find theher true meaning. Interestingly and in possibly another ‘semantic tease’ from Behn, Jennifer Frangos point out that: ‘Aphrodite literally means “lover of Aphra.’[180] In the light of Frangos’ statement perhaps can we assume that Behn is writing herself into this poem.? According to Maureen Duffy, in her biography of Aphra Behn, The Passionate Shepherdess, ‘it was the last time a woman was to write publicly and with witty eroticism about such a subject in English for two hundred years.’[181] Adam PC, Murphy DA, de Wit JB. When do online sexual fantasies become reality? The contribution of erotic chatting via the internet to sexual risk-taking in gay and other men who have sex with men. Health Educ Res. 2011;26(3):506–15. https://doi.org/10.1093/her/cyq085. Weinstein A, Katz L, Eberhardt H, Cohen K, Lejoyeux M. Sexual compulsion—relationship with sex, attachment and sexual orientation. J Behav Addict. 2015;4(1):22–6. https://doi.org/10.1556/JBA.4.2015.1.6. Early studies [ 89, 90] highlighted that gay men seem to engage more frequently in erotic fantasies than heterosexuals, both during masturbation and partnered sexual activity. Gay men seem to be principally triggered by visual stimuli and oriented to body parts rather than real partners. An Italian study partially confirmed these premises, recognizing a central role to physical, emotional, and relational elements in the imagery [ 91]. Gay men reported more fantasies concerning exploratory (e.g., having an orgy), intimate (e.g., romantic scenes), and impersonal sexual activities (e.g., sex with strangers) than heterosexual men. No difference was found in paraphilic-related fantasies [ 92].Cohen JN, Byers ES. Beyond lesbian bed death: enhancing our understanding of the sexuality of sexual-minority women in relationships. J Sex Res. 2014;51(8):893–903. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.795924. Male poets of the period were also keen to avoid of the responsibilities of marriage as demonstrated in an extract from a poem by Charles Cotton (1630 – 1687) where the man is far more interested in sex than marriage: Joyal CC, Cossette A, Lapierre V. What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? J Sex Med. 2015;12(2):328–40. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12734.