The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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Podcast Episodes You May Enjoy Chatter & Your Inner Voice – Ethan Kross Everyday Vitality – Dr. Samantha Boardman Plays Well with Others – Eric Barker The Emotional Side of Retiring – Kate Schroeder Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place? Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me feel in control. Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes and I wished that I had just had the guts to say no from the beginning. Het verhaal kent een heldere opbouw die is opgedeeld in drie delen. In het eerste deel, stelt Natalie Lue de vraag of je een people pleaser bent en wat dat precies inhoudt. Het mooie aan dit deel is dat ze ook haar eigen persoonlijke verhaal deelt als enorme people pleaser waarbij ze zichzelf constant wegcijferde en te veel van zichzelf vroeg.

The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others. Maurice Mcleod, a writer and local councillor, found that his inability to say “no” caused him serious problems when he went freelance about a decade ago. He took on so many projects and agreed to do so many favours that, he says, he was living with “a constant feeling of unease and panic. Every time the phone rang, I’d think: ‘Oh my God, who’s that, what haven’t I done?’ It was this constant feeling of letting people down.” He took on so much unpaid work that he had to refuse work that was paid, got into debt, and realised the only way out was to just say “no”. It’s okay to make mistakes—nobody is perfect, and everybody does things that they regret; this is what makes us human. If you do have conflicting priorities, the most assertive position to take with your boss is to state, ‘I have this deadline and this deadline, and my recommendation is to focus on this one first’. In this way, you’re showing that you’re in complete charge of your time and priorities, rather than handing that decision to them. GIVE A REASON

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I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude. The mantra that you should say yes to everything is nothing new (much like the cliche about asking for forgiveness, not permission, although that doesn’t sound so good in the post-Weinstein era). “If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you are not sure you can do it, say yes. Then learn how to do it later,” Richard Branson once said. And it turns out that being able to say ‘no’ is a vital skill for work success. In his new book Great at Work: How Top Performers Work Less and Achieve More, based on a survey of 5,000 employees and managers in which work practices were charted against results, author Morten T. Hansen has distilled the findings into ‘work-smart’ practices. The first step, he found, is to have the courage and discipline to focus on very few key tasks, and go all-in on those. Managers need to become ‘do-less bosses’ who listen to employees when they say that giving them more work is counterproductive. And employees need to get better at saying ‘no’. In het derde deel neemt ze je mee door de zes stappen om met plezier nee te leren zeggen. Ook hierin definieert ze weer per stap aan de hand van de type pleaser hoe deze stap het beste genomen kan worden. Ook dit was enorm verhelderend, motiverend en leerzaam. Door de voorbeelden die ze geeft zie ik ook echt de mogelijkheden hoe het gedrag doorbroken kan worden en kan worden veranderd. Wat ook sterk is aan haar verhaal is dat ze ook de kant belicht dat dingen niet ineens lukken en je ongetwijfeld meerdere malen de fout in zal gaan. Ook dit weet ze motiverend te belichten.

Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me. Dale Henderson recommends finding the line between being completely passive, and being aggressive and territorial – the former could lead to you being the office doormat, and the latter to you being perceived as unhelpful. Where do I even begin! Eighteen years and three weeks ago, I started writing Baggage Reclaim. I never imagined what it would lead to. All I’d set out to do was help at least *one* person avoid what I’d been through or to navigate their way out of an unhealthy situation. I wound up doing so much more. Through profiles of others and candid anecdotes from her own life, Lue explains the various styles of and remedies to people pleasing (i.e., ignoring one’s own needs, wants, feelings, and opinions). She teaches readers how to say No when they’ve always automatically and resentfully said Yes. And, through vivid metaphors, she explains the mind-body connection of stress with greater relatability than can be found in similar works written by experts. Are you still playing a role you learned in childhood to please others, such as the Good Girl/Boy, the Overachiever, or the Helper? Though these kinds of roles may have gained us attention and affection, they prohibited us from becoming our true selves.

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As for #Jono and #Jomo – well, for me, saying no and missing out are not where I find my joy. I find it when I am not looking for it: when I am making my friend’s children laugh, or when I feel a spontaneous surge of love for my husband, or when I am cooking dinner for my friends. Cohen says: “If you read the great poets of joy, like Rilke, they think of joy as something fleeting. There is something sad about it, because one feels its passing as one experiences it – it is not some kind of permanent aspiration, a solid state.” It is a word that loses all meaning when it is part of a hashtagged acronym. I’ve recently discovered that it can be really empowering to reply in the negative. Ever tried it? I recommend it. Please be aware that the delivery time frame may vary according to the area of delivery - the approximate delivery time is usually between 1-2 business days. If you provide a ‘because’, you have more chance of the person accepting. Even if it’s an utterly random reason, people are less likely to argue with it. But if you give a list of reasons, it undermines you. AND…REPEAT