Joseph Dobson & Sons Marshmallow Mega Lollies 1.99 kg

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You shouldn’t be going to the dairy to buy marshmallows. But if you insist on being weird, at least buy marshmallow twists. These would be nice if they had any flavour, which I suppose could be said of cardboard as well. I say poo poo to the huhu. An unnecessary lolly that doesn’t even have the thrill of looking like its namesake. All I’m saying is, it doesn’t not look like a sperm and a tampon at the same time. L-R: Giant strawbs, gobstopper, red coke bottles, russian fudge, huhu grubs Placing one of these on your tongue and feeling it dissolve like the mildest chemical burn is a uniquely New Zealand thrill. They’re also the best option in those weird lolly machines where you turn the handle and the sweets drop down the chute. Is this relevant to anyone? I’ve only ever seen them at Placemakers in Kaiwharawhara and VTNZ offices. All non-branded chocolate tastes a little bit like plastic. That’s the rule. Genuine chocolate with genuine coconut would be so full-on and sweet and you could probably only eat a little. Dollar bag coconut rough is none of those things and therefore perfect. I wouldn’t even consider it real coconut rough. It is its own thing and should never change. I like blowpipes (wish they had a better name than blowpipes tbh) but I’m aware that they’re polarising. They look like the scary red electric cords from the space level in Crash Bandicoot 2 and I assume that’s exactly what the manufacturers were going for. Unfortunately they’re sherbet without being sour, which makes the sherbet a bit pointless. But they come in nice colours and are satisfying to eat via being like a sweet noodle.

Not everything needs variations. I’m someone who still spends money on vanilla coke and even I have no interest in red coke bottles.In a jug, mix Slingsby Rhubarb Gin with Fentimans Rose Lemonade and squeeze into the mixture 1 tbsp of agave syrup. As tempting as it is, please don't be too heavy with the gin as your lollies won't set! Is anyone really going to the dairy to buy Russian fudge? Russian fudge is to be bought at primary school fairs, made by that one mum who makes it every year even after her kids have left the school. It is to be bought in direct sunlight, not under the fluorescent hell of dairy lighting. A truly sadistic move from whoever invented these tooth-decayers in the shape of teeth. They don’t even taste very good but you really can’t beat the interactive experience of moulding the fake teeth over your real teeth. Great gag and therefore great lolly. My search for an image of “Y2K bug lollies” was futile. Turns out they’re called ‘sour spiders’ which is making me question every memory I’ve ever had. But I was right about them being Pascall at least.]

The greatest fruit-flavoured chewy candy in the world. Tangy apples are to fruit bursts what Johnnie Walker blue label is to Jim Beam. I only just now realised how strangely Johnnie is spelled. Look at it properly. So many letters. But I digress, the tangy apple is a pillar of the dairy lolly empire and one of few wrapped lollies that have stood the test of time and convenience. L-R: teeth, marshmallow twists, coconut rough, sour lemons, tangy applesMuch like the non-sour coke bottles, these gummies suffer from having a far superior sibling. Sorry non-sour bears, you’re actually real yum but we can’t have double-ups in the top half of the list so you have to hang down here with the losers. L-R: Shells, wine gums, sharks, jelly beans, non-sour bears

It’s a plain gummy done right. Small, soft, but still splits when you bite into it (the bad soft gummies don’t split and it’s gross). There’s nothing special about these strawberries but they’ve had many impersonators over the years and none have lived up to OG.When sour coke bottles exist, it’s sad to think that the non-sour coke bottle has to go around pretending it’s “pretty much the same”. The less successful sibling of dairy lollies, the non-sour coke bottle needs to rebrand away from its beloved relative. Start a clothing line, write poetry, become their manager, do something. All sweet gum is gross after approximately ten (10) seconds or seven (7) chews. I’m honestly surprised these are still available. You do you, concrete gum. L-R: Pineapple lumps, rainbow bars, tangy grapes, crocodiles, spinning top gum